Moments Notice

As you are aware by now, I am a soldiers wife. Yes, I am married to the military! There are some days where I despise the fact that there is this whole other world I will never be a part of. I hate the way people look at me with such sadness when they ask what my hubby does, and I reply "He is in the service." The immediate response is: "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" THEN they thank-me for his service. It saddens me. Then it frustrates me. I am supposed to be an example. A reflection of my husband. Yet, I want to scream, "Get a clue people!" Of course it is hard! Technically I had no choice in the matter. I do now, but not when he enlisted. Then I think "What choice was there for me to make?"
I want my hubby to be happy. This makes him happy. He wants to do something, and he chose to serve his country. I chose to stay with him. To love him, and stand by him. I truly get that. But so often I want to just ask...what about me? What about the years we lose, moments not gotten back. Everyday is just another day. It doesn't matter if it is a birthday, anniversary, holiday.....it just doesn't. Riddle me this.....
Is it because I have stopped caring about the special days? Or is it because with the one you love being gone, the meaning is lost on that special day?
Looking back, I can remember counting the days till my birthday! Counting the days till Christmas Break and school lets out, then finally Christmas Day arrives and it all seems so magical! The snow fall from the night before. The smells coming from the kitchen! They smelled so good! As I grew up, well.....the magic seemed to lose a little bit of it's splendor. It became yet another day.
How do you emotionally prepare for your loved one to be gone at a moments notice? At least within the National Guard, there is a preparation period, but not always. Is it easier to become a stone statue, or bitch? Is it easier to pull away so it doesn't hurt as deep when your world is torn apart?
How can you enjoy what you do, be good at it, pursue a career in it, yet know in your heart it cuts the ones you love so deeply, you worry that they will ever bounce back.
Choice.
It always seems to come to that.
I am a firm believer that if you are not happy in what you do, then no one around you is. So, pursue what makes you happiest. Then deal with the outcome.
Dealing with the outcome is where the real test of "The Military Wife" comes into play. Most anyone you ask will tell you it takes strength to be a military spouse. I beg to differ. There is no strength. Weakness is not tolerated, yet for me, I discovered I am weak. I despise it. I have to find the strength from somewhere in order to be strong. It has nothing to do with my strength, it has to do with, reality. The reality is my husband is a soldier, and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with not being a priority when it comes to my career. I have to deal with raising two wonderful girls on my own for the time being. I have to deal with self, because if hubby is worried about me and not focused, then he cannot do his job, and that could be deadly.
So, in retrospect, am I angry. No. Never. Personally, I wouldn't have it any other way. I rest in the strong fact that my hubby and my friends love their families enough to stand up and do something to keep them safe, free, and show us what being honorable really is.
Suck it up princess......it is just another day!
When you run into me at the grocery store, don't apologize. Understand this, I already am lost, scared, and having a really bad day (kids, insert chaos....). Just smile, and know...us wives, we know. We understand.

Between the Lines

So, here I am....sitting.....yet again in front of this infernal thing. Wondering.
Why is it so difficult to read between the lines. You hear it all the time. People saying one thing, yet meaning another. Are they to afraid to reveal the truth? Why is it so hard to answer someone when they ask a question? What is there to be afraid of? If a friend asks if this color looks OK on her, and it doesn't...why lie? Who in their right mind would allow a friend to spend money on something that looks like crap! In the same sense, why lie when asked an opinion? If it was not wanted, they would not ask, right?
I hate hearing "That is a loaded question!" Because it isn't. If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask. The sad thing is, perfect strangers will readily lie to you just because they do not want to hurt your feelings. Why?!
Done with vent.
I have decided to expand my little wings and start moving into artistic erotic pictures. OK "porn" if you will, but I have the desire to show the human form in a light that I see. Now to find the models willing to allow me to create! :)

Darkest Hour

The hour is late.....and i am left wanting.
Alone to walk through the shadows of my mind.
Careful not to wake the desire within.
I gaze into the light as if to see what lies in wait.

Samhain ...My favorite time of year!!!

In Caldragh graveyard on the Boa Island is a double-sided figure of two beings in typical 'Celtic' squatting mode, carved back-to-back, the East side being male with a pointed penis beneath the stylised crossed arms (all carved in high relief), and the West side being female, with a protruding tongue. There is incised zig-zag decoration between the two heads, which may represent hair, and both figures have a band or belt at the base of the torsos.

Perhaps this statue in Co Fermanagh represents that balance between male and female, where each is equal. This is much in evidence in the old world;- the dark - the light Samhain - Beltane..

Man and woman joined, a bridge to the old - to the new, to the dead - to the living, to the past - to the future.

This looking back and forward explains the reverence for the dead at this turn of the year and the focus on offerance to the gods for the future. There is a tradition still in ireland that a place is set at the table for anyone who died during the year. The dead can return, if they so desire.

As the dead can enter this world the barrier to future 'worlds' is weakest at this time. All around the island of All Hallows Eve the barriers fall. This day was often selected for a scrying or glimpse of the future.

Samhain, (All Hallows Eve, Halloween) originated with the Celtic tribes who lived in Ireland, Scotland, Wales and Brittany. For the Celts this Festival marked the end of summer - the coming of winter. the two halves of the year - the dark and the light. Summer runs from Beltane to Samhain and winter from Samhain to Beltane. Samhain is one of the Greater Sabbats observed by pagans and Wiccans.

For Celts Samhain is a time when the bridge that separates the world of the living and the world of the dead becomes firmer, allowing spirits and ghosts and ghouls to cross over. These spirits or departed souls are honored and asked to grant luck and prosperity. Regardless what you call it today it is a festival dedicated to the dead

As the souls of the dead walk the land so do the evil spirits, people wear masks and light bonfires to scare them away.

What is Samhain?

For Wiccans and Pagans it's considered a Sabbat to honor the ancestors who came before us. It's a good time to contact the spirit world with a seance, because it's the time when the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest.

Myths and Misconceptions:

Samhain was not the name of some ancient Celtic god of death, or of anything else, for that matter. Religious scholars agree that the word Samhain (pronounced "sow-en") comes from the Gaelic “Samhuin,” but they’re divided on whether it means the end or beginning of summer. After all, when summer is ending here on earth, it’s just beginning in the Underworld. Samhain actually refers to the daylight portion of the holiday, on November 1st.

All Hallow Mass:

Around the eighth century or so, the Catholic Church decided to use November 1st as All Saints Day. This was actually a pretty smart move on their part – the local pagans were already celebrating that day anyway, so it made sense to use it as a church holiday. All Saints’ became the festival to honor any saint who didn’t already have a day of his or her own. The mass which was said on All Saints’ was called Allhallowmas – the mass of all those who are hallowed. The night before naturally became known as All Hallows Eve, and eventually morphed into what we call Halloween.

The Witch's New Year:

Sunset on Samhain is the beginning of the Celtic New Year. The old year has passed, the harvest has been gathered, cattle and sheep have been brought in from the fields, and the leaves have fallen from the trees. The earth slowly begins to die around us.

This is a good time for us to look at wrapping up the old and preparing for the new in our lives. Think about the things you did in the last twelve months. Have you left anything unresolved? If so, now is the time to wrap things up. Once you’ve gotten all that unfinished stuff cleared away, and out of your life, then you can begin looking towards the next year.

Honoring the Ancestors:

For some of us, Samhain is when we honor our ancestors who came before us. If you’ve ever done genealogy research, or if you’ve had a loved one die in the past year, this is the perfect night to celebrate their memory. If we’re fortunate, they will return to communicate with us from beyond the veil, and offer advice, protection and guidance for the upcoming year.

If you want to celebrate Samhain in the Celtic tradition, spread the festivities out over three consecutive days. You can hold a ritual and feast each night. Be flexible, though, so you can work around trick-or-treating schedules!

http://www.wicca.com/celtic/akasha/samhainrit.htm

Divine Cats:

The ancient Egyptians honored cats of every color. Cats were mighty and strong, and held sacred. Two of the most amazing goddesses in the Egyptian pantheon were Bast and Sekhmet, worhsipped as long ago as 3000 b.c.e. Family cats were adorned with jewelry and fancy collars, and even had pierced ears. If a cat died, the entire family went into mourning, and sent the cat off to the next world with a great ceremony. For thousands of years, the cat held a position of divinity in Egypt.

Surreal......

surrealism
NOUN: A 20th-century literary and artistic movement that attempts to express the workings of the subconscious and is characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtaposition of subject matter.
surreal
ADJECTIVE: Having qualities attributed to or associated with surrealism: dreamlike quality.
Everyone has been there a time or two, that place, between worlds. That dreamlike state where it feels like your dreaming, yet awake.

The unspeakable pleasures that you are feeling............
The nightmare......................

Floating. Slipping into that time and space of nothingness.
The subconscious mind allowing a glimpse between the worlds. When you find something is to good to be true and so afraid it is a dream. Dreading waking and realizing all is not what you imagined.
So often I find myself caught in this realm. Not wanting to move for fear the pleasure I am feeling will disappear. Holding my breath, making the moment last.
God, if you choose to believe, created our bodies. This being had in mind the carnal pleasures flesh between flesh can feel. Our minds seeing what we want to see, and our thoughts creating the fantasy feeding into our desires. That one moment when the world stops, and all you hear is the intake of breath, and the mind shatters, and everything comes rushing back. Thoughts, fears, conscious thought.
Is this what connects us to others? The energetic sex drive? Is it that moment?

As I age, the world seems to be moving so fast and I am standing still watching it happen. The faster the days go by, the more alive I feel, yet, I hang on the edge of that cliff.
To much of my life has been wasted on negative energy. It has surrounded me. Clouded my brain, and left me wanting. When I focused on change, my world became different. I had doubts that I deserved a better life. A more satisfying career. A deeper connection to self seemed a dream, that I was not even worthy of that. All sprouted from fear and self doubt. What is so wrong with having a successful life? Why do we question when things are so good?
I lay in wait for that "other shoe" to be dropped, only to validate the fear that it is to good to be true. Acceptance is the key. Accepting that I do deserve to be happy, to enjoy my life, however I want to live it, and understand that only through struggle and strife can I move forward and grow as an individual. It doesn't mean I deserve "bad things to happen". It means that sometimes it just does. No matter the good karma I put out in the universe, not everyday is perfect. Choices made have consequences. Actions taken have reactions. But, there will be moments that life challenges me. Do I run from it? Do I face it head on? Do I understand that it isn't always about me......

With life comes death.
With pleasure comes pain.
With love comes heartache.

Only by the choices made in these circumstances can we learn and grow. Taking the steps to enrich our lives with wisdom and understanding.

All good things do come to an end. But with that end, comes new beginnings, new experiences, and more opportunities.

If I stop time by holding my breath, only by allowing self to inhale once again can the feelings overtake me, and I soar to new heights.

In the shadows....

Quite. Reflective.
It is evening and all is so calm. Kids are in bed and hubby is gone. This is the best time of day for me. Well, maybe not the best time, but it is my favorite time. Time to withdraw into self and work on tuning out the day. Although, I never really let go of work. It is to much a part of who I am.
It is my time to think.
So many thoughts run rampant through my head. As I delve deeper into myself the silence of my thoughts is almost deadly tonight. Almost afraid to think. Maybe, afraid of what I will think.
As I think over the last year, loss comes to mind.
Lost friends. Lost opportunities. Potential loss.
Deployments are emotionally and physically hard. As this possibility looms over my head, I can't but think of what that time will bring. Laughter and Tears. Sorrows and Joy. Counting the days, and thanking the powers that be for allowing safety to my husband and my friends for one more day. I have always said:

" Accidents happen everyday, anyone I love or care for can easily get hurt or die here in the
states. I would rather them be doing something they believe in, then it be meaningless."

I think after this last year, I have seriously re-thought that statement.

I lost a friend this year. He died honorably, and it suited him. Although the circumstance was NOT how we expected him to go.
I also lost an acquaintance. His death was not so honorable, and unfortunately, we did expect that. Just nothing any of us could do.
Both service members. And both missed terribly.
Why I am thinking of this tonight, tonight of all nights is beyond me.
Maybe it was something SGT O stated to me today. Maybe it was that conversation......one will never know.
Even thought the deployment itself is hard itself to deal with, it is nothing compared to the roller coaster of preparing oneself for the actual event.
I want to be on the beach, right now, at this very spot. (The picture above)
and stop time.
to forever live that moment........that moment of perfect framing, the sun coming up......and the quite.