As you are aware by now, I am a soldiers wife. Yes, I am married to the military! There are some days where I despise the fact that there is this whole other world I will never be a part of. I hate the way people look at me with such sadness when they ask what my hubby does, and I reply "He is in the service." The immediate response is: "Oh my God! I am so sorry!" THEN they thank-me for his service. It saddens me. Then it frustrates me. I am supposed to be an example. A reflection of my husband. Yet, I want to scream, "Get a clue people!" Of course it is hard! Technically I had no choice in the matter. I do now, but not when he enlisted. Then I think "What choice was there for me to make?"
I want my hubby to be happy. This makes him happy. He wants to do something, and he chose to serve his country. I chose to stay with him. To love him, and stand by him. I truly get that. But so often I want to just ask...what about me? What about the years we lose, moments not gotten back. Everyday is just another day. It doesn't matter if it is a birthday, anniversary, holiday.....it just doesn't. Riddle me this.....
Is it because I have stopped caring about the special days? Or is it because with the one you love being gone, the meaning is lost on that special day?
Looking back, I can remember counting the days till my birthday! Counting the days till Christmas Break and school lets out, then finally Christmas Day arrives and it all seems so magical! The snow fall from the night before. The smells coming from the kitchen! They smelled so good! As I grew up, well.....the magic seemed to lose a little bit of it's splendor. It became yet another day.
How do you emotionally prepare for your loved one to be gone at a moments notice? At least within the National Guard, there is a preparation period, but not always. Is it easier to become a stone statue, or bitch? Is it easier to pull away so it doesn't hurt as deep when your world is torn apart?
How can you enjoy what you do, be good at it, pursue a career in it, yet know in your heart it cuts the ones you love so deeply, you worry that they will ever bounce back.
Choice.
It always seems to come to that.
I am a firm believer that if you are not happy in what you do, then no one around you is. So, pursue what makes you happiest. Then deal with the outcome.
Dealing with the outcome is where the real test of "The Military Wife" comes into play. Most anyone you ask will tell you it takes strength to be a military spouse. I beg to differ. There is no strength. Weakness is not tolerated, yet for me, I discovered I am weak. I despise it. I have to find the strength from somewhere in order to be strong. It has nothing to do with my strength, it has to do with, reality. The reality is my husband is a soldier, and I have to deal with it. I have to deal with not being a priority when it comes to my career. I have to deal with raising two wonderful girls on my own for the time being. I have to deal with self, because if hubby is worried about me and not focused, then he cannot do his job, and that could be deadly.
So, in retrospect, am I angry. No. Never. Personally, I wouldn't have it any other way. I rest in the strong fact that my hubby and my friends love their families enough to stand up and do something to keep them safe, free, and show us what being honorable really is.
Suck it up princess......it is just another day!
When you run into me at the grocery store, don't apologize. Understand this, I already am lost, scared, and having a really bad day (kids, insert chaos....). Just smile, and know...us wives, we know. We understand.
