Darkest Hour

The hour is late.....and i am left wanting.
Alone to walk through the shadows of my mind.
Careful not to wake the desire within.
I gaze into the light as if to see what lies in wait.

Samhain ...My favorite time of year!!!

In Caldragh graveyard on the Boa Island is a double-sided figure of two beings in typical 'Celtic' squatting mode, carved back-to-back, the East side being male with a pointed penis beneath the stylised crossed arms (all carved in high relief), and the West side being female, with a protruding tongue. There is incised zig-zag decoration between the two heads, which may represent hair, and both figures have a band or belt at the base of the torsos.

Perhaps this statue in Co Fermanagh represents that balance between male and female, where each is equal. This is much in evidence in the old world;- the dark - the light Samhain - Beltane..

Man and woman joined, a bridge to the old - to the new, to the dead - to the living, to the past - to the future.

This looking back and forward explains the reverence for the dead at this turn of the year and the focus on offerance to the gods for the future. There is a tradition still in ireland that a place is set at the table for anyone who died during the year. The dead can return, if they so desire.

As the dead can enter this world the barrier to future 'worlds' is weakest at this time. All around the island of All Hallows Eve the barriers fall. This day was often selected for a scrying or glimpse of the future.

Samhain, (All Hallows Eve, Halloween) originated with the Celtic tribes who lived in Ireland, Scotland, Wales and Brittany. For the Celts this Festival marked the end of summer - the coming of winter. the two halves of the year - the dark and the light. Summer runs from Beltane to Samhain and winter from Samhain to Beltane. Samhain is one of the Greater Sabbats observed by pagans and Wiccans.

For Celts Samhain is a time when the bridge that separates the world of the living and the world of the dead becomes firmer, allowing spirits and ghosts and ghouls to cross over. These spirits or departed souls are honored and asked to grant luck and prosperity. Regardless what you call it today it is a festival dedicated to the dead

As the souls of the dead walk the land so do the evil spirits, people wear masks and light bonfires to scare them away.

What is Samhain?

For Wiccans and Pagans it's considered a Sabbat to honor the ancestors who came before us. It's a good time to contact the spirit world with a seance, because it's the time when the veil between this world and the next is at its thinnest.

Myths and Misconceptions:

Samhain was not the name of some ancient Celtic god of death, or of anything else, for that matter. Religious scholars agree that the word Samhain (pronounced "sow-en") comes from the Gaelic “Samhuin,” but they’re divided on whether it means the end or beginning of summer. After all, when summer is ending here on earth, it’s just beginning in the Underworld. Samhain actually refers to the daylight portion of the holiday, on November 1st.

All Hallow Mass:

Around the eighth century or so, the Catholic Church decided to use November 1st as All Saints Day. This was actually a pretty smart move on their part – the local pagans were already celebrating that day anyway, so it made sense to use it as a church holiday. All Saints’ became the festival to honor any saint who didn’t already have a day of his or her own. The mass which was said on All Saints’ was called Allhallowmas – the mass of all those who are hallowed. The night before naturally became known as All Hallows Eve, and eventually morphed into what we call Halloween.

The Witch's New Year:

Sunset on Samhain is the beginning of the Celtic New Year. The old year has passed, the harvest has been gathered, cattle and sheep have been brought in from the fields, and the leaves have fallen from the trees. The earth slowly begins to die around us.

This is a good time for us to look at wrapping up the old and preparing for the new in our lives. Think about the things you did in the last twelve months. Have you left anything unresolved? If so, now is the time to wrap things up. Once you’ve gotten all that unfinished stuff cleared away, and out of your life, then you can begin looking towards the next year.

Honoring the Ancestors:

For some of us, Samhain is when we honor our ancestors who came before us. If you’ve ever done genealogy research, or if you’ve had a loved one die in the past year, this is the perfect night to celebrate their memory. If we’re fortunate, they will return to communicate with us from beyond the veil, and offer advice, protection and guidance for the upcoming year.

If you want to celebrate Samhain in the Celtic tradition, spread the festivities out over three consecutive days. You can hold a ritual and feast each night. Be flexible, though, so you can work around trick-or-treating schedules!

http://www.wicca.com/celtic/akasha/samhainrit.htm

Divine Cats:

The ancient Egyptians honored cats of every color. Cats were mighty and strong, and held sacred. Two of the most amazing goddesses in the Egyptian pantheon were Bast and Sekhmet, worhsipped as long ago as 3000 b.c.e. Family cats were adorned with jewelry and fancy collars, and even had pierced ears. If a cat died, the entire family went into mourning, and sent the cat off to the next world with a great ceremony. For thousands of years, the cat held a position of divinity in Egypt.

Surreal......

surrealism
NOUN: A 20th-century literary and artistic movement that attempts to express the workings of the subconscious and is characterized by fantastic imagery and incongruous juxtaposition of subject matter.
surreal
ADJECTIVE: Having qualities attributed to or associated with surrealism: dreamlike quality.
Everyone has been there a time or two, that place, between worlds. That dreamlike state where it feels like your dreaming, yet awake.

The unspeakable pleasures that you are feeling............
The nightmare......................

Floating. Slipping into that time and space of nothingness.
The subconscious mind allowing a glimpse between the worlds. When you find something is to good to be true and so afraid it is a dream. Dreading waking and realizing all is not what you imagined.
So often I find myself caught in this realm. Not wanting to move for fear the pleasure I am feeling will disappear. Holding my breath, making the moment last.
God, if you choose to believe, created our bodies. This being had in mind the carnal pleasures flesh between flesh can feel. Our minds seeing what we want to see, and our thoughts creating the fantasy feeding into our desires. That one moment when the world stops, and all you hear is the intake of breath, and the mind shatters, and everything comes rushing back. Thoughts, fears, conscious thought.
Is this what connects us to others? The energetic sex drive? Is it that moment?

As I age, the world seems to be moving so fast and I am standing still watching it happen. The faster the days go by, the more alive I feel, yet, I hang on the edge of that cliff.
To much of my life has been wasted on negative energy. It has surrounded me. Clouded my brain, and left me wanting. When I focused on change, my world became different. I had doubts that I deserved a better life. A more satisfying career. A deeper connection to self seemed a dream, that I was not even worthy of that. All sprouted from fear and self doubt. What is so wrong with having a successful life? Why do we question when things are so good?
I lay in wait for that "other shoe" to be dropped, only to validate the fear that it is to good to be true. Acceptance is the key. Accepting that I do deserve to be happy, to enjoy my life, however I want to live it, and understand that only through struggle and strife can I move forward and grow as an individual. It doesn't mean I deserve "bad things to happen". It means that sometimes it just does. No matter the good karma I put out in the universe, not everyday is perfect. Choices made have consequences. Actions taken have reactions. But, there will be moments that life challenges me. Do I run from it? Do I face it head on? Do I understand that it isn't always about me......

With life comes death.
With pleasure comes pain.
With love comes heartache.

Only by the choices made in these circumstances can we learn and grow. Taking the steps to enrich our lives with wisdom and understanding.

All good things do come to an end. But with that end, comes new beginnings, new experiences, and more opportunities.

If I stop time by holding my breath, only by allowing self to inhale once again can the feelings overtake me, and I soar to new heights.

In the shadows....

Quite. Reflective.
It is evening and all is so calm. Kids are in bed and hubby is gone. This is the best time of day for me. Well, maybe not the best time, but it is my favorite time. Time to withdraw into self and work on tuning out the day. Although, I never really let go of work. It is to much a part of who I am.
It is my time to think.
So many thoughts run rampant through my head. As I delve deeper into myself the silence of my thoughts is almost deadly tonight. Almost afraid to think. Maybe, afraid of what I will think.
As I think over the last year, loss comes to mind.
Lost friends. Lost opportunities. Potential loss.
Deployments are emotionally and physically hard. As this possibility looms over my head, I can't but think of what that time will bring. Laughter and Tears. Sorrows and Joy. Counting the days, and thanking the powers that be for allowing safety to my husband and my friends for one more day. I have always said:

" Accidents happen everyday, anyone I love or care for can easily get hurt or die here in the
states. I would rather them be doing something they believe in, then it be meaningless."

I think after this last year, I have seriously re-thought that statement.

I lost a friend this year. He died honorably, and it suited him. Although the circumstance was NOT how we expected him to go.
I also lost an acquaintance. His death was not so honorable, and unfortunately, we did expect that. Just nothing any of us could do.
Both service members. And both missed terribly.
Why I am thinking of this tonight, tonight of all nights is beyond me.
Maybe it was something SGT O stated to me today. Maybe it was that conversation......one will never know.
Even thought the deployment itself is hard itself to deal with, it is nothing compared to the roller coaster of preparing oneself for the actual event.
I want to be on the beach, right now, at this very spot. (The picture above)
and stop time.
to forever live that moment........that moment of perfect framing, the sun coming up......and the quite.

Strange Dayz!

Strange Dayz indeed! Since September I have been on the go. Every weekend we have been gone. But, I did have fun this past weekend, A good friend of mine was married on October 24, 2008 and I had the privilege of doing their wedding pictures.
Although I did learn one thing this weekend, lol, NEVER start drinking at noon! Friday night I was up until 3:00am and Saturday night, everyone ended up at our hotel room to continue on with the celebration. Jello shots are yummy!

When I was about 25 going out all the time and hanging out at bars just was not fun anymore. It is never a good idea to drink and drive, and being designated driver all the time, well, kind of turned into a hassle instead of fun. We discovered this weekend, that renting a hotel room was the best idea we have had. All of us had a great time, we were safe, no one drove and we stayed up way past our bedtime! We talked and met some great people this weekend. Discovered that yes, you can talk politics while drinking rum. Even at 2am. Although I learned I cannot talk about the military while under the influence of a really good drink! (Did I say Jello shots are yummy!) I discovered that Yes, I am passionate about that subject, but, EVEN more so when booze are involved! *smiling* I was asked my opinion on the whole Iraq situation. I DO NOT think anyone will ask me again for awhile.

Who knew!

Life has just been crazy. I think I am ready to just breath. Do nothing. Clear my head, and enjoy the quite. Sitting back, relaxing, and do nothing. I have two weekends left until that will happen. My hubby and I are planning a trip to Tennessee in November. I cannot wait to break out the camera and take pictures all weekend. Scenic shoots. Connecting with Mother Earth. Walking the paths up a mountain, watching the waterfalls, and smelling the hint of fire places carried by the wind. Fall in Gatlinburg I am told is Mother Nature at her finest.
Soon I shall find out.

Relationship's

What defines a relationship between a male and female?
A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between two individuals, such as a romantic or intimate relationship. People that are in an intimate relationship with one another are often called a couple, especially if the members of that couple have ascribed some degree of permanency to their relationship. Such couples often provide the emotional security that is necessary for them to accomplish other tasks, particularly forms of labor/work.
Love is an important factor in physical and emotional intimate relationships. Though the term is notoriously difficult to define, any thoughtful inquiry into the subject will show it to be qualitatively, not only quantitatively, different than intimacy, and the difference is not merely in the presence or absence of sexual attraction. According to one analysis, love in relationships is divided into two types: passionate and companionate. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal(shortness of breath, rapid heart rate) Companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy and is not necessarily accompanied by physiological arousal.
http://www.ascensionlovespirituality.com/Starbuilders/IntimateRelationships.htm

In reading this it has me wondering, do we truly enter into relationships based on needs and desires at the time?

When we enter into a new relationship, there are all these warm fuzzy feelings that come with it. Maybe it was the coffee, or the smell of her perfume, who knows, but they are there. Over time as the relationship grows, and we enter into sexual relationships, it opens a whole other realm. Those warm fuzzies tend to fade a bit.
For me, I think this is when we enter into choice. We choose whom we want to invest ourselves in. We choose to accept this person as our mate. Every relationship has it's ups and downs. Now we live in a society where divorce is a common everyday escape. After a bit, you can get out. Did you know you can receive an online divorce now? What happened to making a commitment to someone and staying in that commitment? The quest for self discovery and happiness is important, and by no means should anyone stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of commitment. Can you build your desires and shape your happiness around the current relationship? Can you take the good and expand it while taking the bad and shaping it, molding it to meet your needs?
We tend to build several types of relationships. We have them with friends, neighbors, co-workers, and lover's. We adapt to the relationship and share only what is needed, and give freely when appropriate. In building these relationships, they soon start to help shape who we want to be. By the support we receive it assists us in our own journey of life.

Keep in mind, these are just my opinions, thoughts from my head, and by means not scientifically proven!

I can't help but wonder, where would I be now if it wasn't for certain individuals whom have crossed my path.

I recently had to fill out a detailed account of my job history, school history and family history. It caused a little bit of stress. I was required to give names of those I went to high school with. Someone Who knew me. I drew a blank. The one person whom really knew me, is no longer alive. She was killed in a car/train accident 14 years ago. She was my best friend. My confidant, and the only one I could think of. I did have a few other friends, but, I haven't seen them in years. After the accident, I walked away. From everyone, and everything. Do I regret that? No. I don't.

What if?

What if I hadn't walked away? Would I still be friends with those individuals whom called me friend at the time? Would I be married to the same individual? Would I still have my girls?
Who knows! I do know this though. I still got what I needed from those friends, it still shaped who I choose to be today.

As I have grown older, I have come to realize it is not the amount of friends you have, it is the quality of those friends. The quality of the relationships. So, can you have passionate relationships with friends? Can you have intimate relationships with friends? Or are these only acceptable in a "marriage"? Of course then my brain goes to, why does society get to say what is acceptable and what is not.
Individual choice. I make my choices. I choose what I think is best for me. I do not want society to dictate my relationships, nor do I want society to tell me what I am doing is wrong.
If the relationships I am building now help me to become a better person tomorrow, so be it. After all, my life goal is to become the best person I can be. What footprints I leave behind matter the most to me.
Society, will not even miss me when I am gone. Nor will they ever know my name. Those I choose to share my life's journey will, they will remember me..........

October Chill

As we slip into fall, natures scenery is at it's most glorious time. It just so happens to be my favorite season. Nothing is better then curling up outside with a fire in the fire pit, a cup of hot mulled apple cider, and watching the trees sway in the breeze. The colors are so alive. The red tree tops look ablaze, the yellows are brilliant with the sun cascading down, and the deep browns. The air is slightly chilled, yet the sun is still warming our faces.
This is the time we all usually break out cleaning supplies and dig in for a deep heavy cleaning spree in preparation for the long winter ahead. Why is it that twice a tear we are drawn to do this? I remember growing up and my mom having "spring cleaning" and "fall clean up". For years I thought labor day came twice a year! She always informed us that THIS was the day you labored! lol Got to love the ingenues of mom's.
Preparing for what's to come is not a bad idea. Although for this fly by the seat of her pants girl, it does present a challenge. I like spontaneity. I live for it. Waking up and saying hmmmm in the mood for this today? Let's fly to Vegas! Oh yes, that is me. Fall seems to bring it out in me more. Maybe it is the weather, the colors, the adventure of being outdoors relishing in the smells that only come in fall.
This is where the two sides of self collide. On one hand I have the need to be spontaneous, yet on the other.....Some things just have to be planned for! I am reminded of the fable about the grasshopper and the ant. All summer the ant prepares for winter, while the grass hopper plays. I am the grasshopper, yet I am the ant. Is this possible? Let me explain.
Long term goals. THEY have to be planned out. I have a need to know what my future holds.
Day to Day activities, not so much. If I wake up and decide today is a good day to drive to Ohio and take pictures, what is the harm?
I think we all have some kind of life plan. That drive in us that says: "I want to achieve this, or have this."
If a plane ticket showed up in my mail box, with instructions to take the flight and be at such and such hotel, I would so do it. (now mind you, I would have to know whom it came from!!) But, this has been on my mind, would I truly? Could I honestly not plan something of that magnitude? Quite simply, oh yeah! To travel! God, what an incredible thing to do! Especially for the photographer in self. Some would say, but the day to day job? Well, that is what vacation time is for!
Yet as I sit and ponder this I realize that right now, right this second, I already am planning a life changing event.
Being a military wife, you have to be prepared. Deployments come. That is a guarantee. Being a mom with two wonderful girls...yet another challenge when you sit them down to say, Dad will be gone for a bit. Your brain just reels. Have to plan activities to help them cope, missed birthdays, holidays, anniversaries. Monumental life events. The trick is to keep that spontaneous fun mom in play. You know the one, the mom that wakes them after the first really good snow fall (even if it is 2am) to go out and have a snow ball fight. The one that wakes them to make a snow people family, to include the hamster, the ferrets, the cat, and the dog. Only to come running in and drink hot cocoa with marshmallows! The fun mom that wakes them for the midnight showing of the latest movie! Because in the long run, those are the moments that will count. When all is said and done, and my girls start the journey of raising their own family, this is what I want them to remember.
We get so busy in the day to day life. With our jobs, not to mention the long list of to-do items we have going on that list, there is grocery shopping, shoes shopping, clothes shopping, bill paying, making dinner, planning dinner every night ( because yes, contrary to what I thought, kids do have to eat 3 times a day, everyday!) feed the animals (you know the ones already mentioned that they had to have and promised to love them, feed them, take care of them!) and yes, those animals must eat too! (so sorry hermi, and petri.....you were a good hamster and bird!) then you have laundry, work clothes, kid clothes, getting them ready for bed, school, because YES you do have to wear undies to school!! (Got to love my youngest, although she will be the death of me yet!) and the list continues.
So, how can we stay in the moment with our family, be spontaneous and fun, yet accomplish all the rest?! I need to hire people. A maid, a chef, a babysitter...wait I have a built in babysitter my oldest! Come to think of it I have two maids too! Darnnit, now if they would just actually do their chores.....lol. So is the life huh? Now, remove the element of dad. NOW the real fun begins! At least with dad in the picture, you have that shoulder to lean on. The enforcer, the one you yell for when your youngest decided to paint her room all by herself! And you are awe struck. The one you turn to when your oldest hates you because you will not let her out of the house dressed like that! (I do not care if "everyone is wearing it!" and doesn't get that not everyone is because she IS NOT!) The dad element is so important to the sanity of mom. Every mother has "war" stories, and "deloyment" stories. There are families whom have their parents gone for periods due to travel for work and what not. Trust me, I think every parent has an "Alexi". Yep, my youngest. She is the sweetest little girl, that has hit the tween years. But, I remember, all the times she cut her hair. The time she decided to shave her legs...(and other areas!!!) and ended up in the emergency room because she gashed her self in that other area~~. *Sigh* Just so happens the same ER visit I was there with BOTH girls! "Heather" oldest, broke out head to toe in some kind of funky rash, and where was the dad? AT (also known as Annual Training) and School. He was gone for 3 months and I thought I would go insane. Yep, learned that it was time youngest stopped being in bathroom when mom was in the tub! Kids will be kids. Toys flushed down the tolit. Decided to play fireWoman's with actual fires. CowGirls and Indians, and hog tied the dog. Trust me, anyone with children KNOWS.
Again, fun mom. How does she survive? How do you keep the fun, yet keep the sanity? I have concluded, you don't. You learn to be flexiable. You plan best you can, and yet keep that element of surprise, spontanaity, because they will for you! Give in to the little things at times because does it really matter that she wants to wear the pretty princess custume with her "just like daddy workboots" or that she wears the fairy custume w/ wings to the grocery store? Does it matter that she wears the cowboy outfit to church? For me? Nope. Pick and chose your battles. Be flexiable. Who cares if you run into the PTA mom that is perfect at the store, and your little one is "flying" down the aisles?
Same goes for planning a deployment. Being flexiable allows for those little things to pop up. Airing out the house for two days because they miss daddy and sprayed the whole bottle of cologne over the house. Life throws you curves. Nothing is cut and dry. Certainly no matter how much you "plan" something is bound to happen.
But, I can plan for the big stuff. (Like that month long vacation....leaving kids with grandma and granpa!) lol. Seriously, I think you can lead a double life so to say. Keeping the fun in, while planning out for the future. Not everything has to be spontanous. The one thing I have learned from military life is this:
1.Lead by example: if you want your subordinates to follow, be willing to do it yourself!
2. Hurry up and wait: plan it, submit the request for it to be completed, then wait forever for it to actually get done.
3. Command Desiscion is finale: blame the rules on dad, by the time he gets home, they will have forgotten that mom wouldn't let them (insert action here) because mom sticks to "dad made the rules".
4. Suck it up and Drive on! (Yep, princess, pull up your big girl panties because there isn't anything else to be done except keep pushing on)

Lost in thought

Do you ever wish you could go back. Back to the days where we could sit all day in the sand and watch the surf. No worries, no cares, just in the moment.
being in the moment is a hard choice to make. As adults our lives have become fast paced. Jobs, families, friends, you name it we are thinking it and planning for the next thing. Slowing down takes effort. We hear the saying all the time: Stop and smell the roses.
Yet, do we? I know I have thought so many times, yeah right! Stop to smell the roses and I will inhale the thorns. Maybe that is because I am to hurried and not paying attention.
What would I miss in life if I took time out? If I actually listened to my daughter babel, instead of planning dinner while she spoke. What am I missing out on now?
Actually stopping to be in the moment. To enjoy what I am feeling, hearing, smelling. To slow brain down and just be. Sounds so inviting........
I have often pondered this in my day to day life. As a working mom so much at one time is going on in my life. Throw in a teenage daughter, a husband in the military, and wow. I haven't even put my friends into the equation. Which I tend to have very few, mainly because I chose my friends wisely. I am not the type of person to place a high importance on the amount of friends one has, but more on the quality of the friendship. With my whole new concept of living in the moment I need friends that are "real". Friends that can laugh with me, as well as laugh at me. Friends who will cry for me when they know I am hurting. Friends that will love deeply with me. friends whom chose to be in the moment with me.

when i think about the tree of life, i start to think about how we are all connected to it. with the new advances and technology today, it seems we are all connected in one way or another. With so many blog spots available it allows you to click on your friends and see what they are up to. Or pick up the phone and instantly speak with them.

I do not make my friends lightly, it doesn't matter to me the amount of people i know, it is whom i choose to call a friend, it is the quality of that friendship that is important! do i know a large amount of people? yes i do. do i consider them all friends? nope. but, there are some whom i am getting to know, and surprising as it is to me, I have opened self and allowed the friendship to grow on a deeper level.

by opening up and sharing, and reading their words of wisdom, i have learned you can know someone, you can learn what is in their heart. crazy? yep it is! *smiling* now mind you, with the safety and security of the internet, it is so easy to be what and who you choose! but if you look at it in another light, you can be you! i can be me! i can say what i want, i can be bold, i can be honest, all without the fear. for me when i can easily pick out people who are deceitful, they get tripped up, their lies catch up to them, the persona they appear to be vanishes and the true colors come out, same with self. if i pretend to be something i am not, sooner or later i will get caught. so in my mind why bother? just be me, take it or leave it.

on my tree of life, there are lots of branches, and leaves. and i am finding i am more connected to those around me then i ever realized possible. i understand the addiction some have to chat rooms, i understand how you could leave your wife, or husband because of someone you met online(do not get me wrong here, i do not condone this behavior) i have felt connected to some people, a kindred spirit of some kind. i also can see how for some who do not have friends can take this world of computer land and make it into a reality for themselves! i have felt lonely and sad, and all i had to do was sign in online, or pick up the phone and low and behold someone was there'

it amazes me how well a person can know me and yet they have never laid eyes upon me, pictures can tell a thousand words.......but friends see the HUMAN in that picture, they see the soul staring back at them when they look into the eyes......